Virtual Sex
by one-hep-cat
Summary: Revised 2-2-09. One-shot. Duo finds out that Heero, the king of covering his tracks, has been keeping a peculiar secret from him complete with angled pictures, a flashy layout, and… 1,154 friends! Yaoi. Silliness.


**Virtual Sex**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or pretty much anything else that shows up in this one-shot except the name _Space Pirate: The Armada Adventure. _(And wouldn't it be funny if I didn't even own that!?) It belongs to the respective creators, whom I can't remember because I have a terrible memory! Enjoy!_

_Warnings: Blatant abuse of pop culture, humor, and language. 1x2, with hints at 3x4, suggestiveness, stupidity, and just plain silliness. _

_Thanks to dark for the title (I tell you, it's _classic!!_) and my friend Heather for Heero's "name"… as you will see._

----

Outside, it's mild—sunny and slightly breezy… like the entire world is at one big happy peace. Unfortunately for me, an entire world at one big happy peace means that I am bored out of my mind. Of course, it'd be worse if it was raining, but I digress. It doesn't help that my housemates Trowa and Quatre have been locked in Trowa's room for _hours_ and Wufei chewed my head off earlier for even attempting to engage him in civil conversation. I know _I _would've liked to alleviate my boredom by imitating Trowa and Quatre- spending _all_ day in my room, having my merry way with my final housemate (and irrefutable lover) Heero. But _no_. Heero is out… doing whatever it is Heero does when he is… out. _And_ he has the only working vehicle with him, which just sucks.

So that leaves me only one option. Entertain myself. One would think my housemates would've learned by now that leaving me to my own devices is hazardous to their sanity, if nothing else.

Firstly, I managed to order pay-per-view of some pornographic movie, which I taped over Wufei's video-diary of his extra-special trip to China. And which I had to jerk off to because Heero was conveniently _gone… _Then I dyed Trowa's beloved all white, but oddly not purebred, Persian cat blue (with non-toxic food coloring, I'll have you know). I was nearly clawed to death for that prank but I think robin's egg blue is her color. And Quatre would soon find that a special email from the Winner Corporation- in which he claims he has no interest- calls his most loyal subjects 'fuckheads with no education' who would be 'better off plucking fleas off apes, you incompetent tapeworms!' Not seriously, of course. I'm not _that _much of a terror. But I can't wait to see his expression.

Like I said—free time and I, we don't mix well. Heero generally knows this. So _generally_ he keeps me as entertained as possible. If he has to go out, he will even put together a list of things to keep me entirely distracted until he returns, bless his frozen little heart. But not this time.

So, with all of this free time, I've managed to prank everyone. Except Heero. But don't worry, I don't intend to leave him out. That would just be cruel. Leaning back against the sofa, I crack my knuckles. It's show time.

Pulling Heero's laptop onto my lap (of course), I wriggle my fingers eagerly. "All right. Let's get you fired up." I depress the power switch and wait for it to load.

His desktop is an extremely bland blue. Well, I have a remedy for that. Pulling the memory stick I just so happened to find before grabbing the computer out of my pocket, I insert it and pull up a number of photographs taken on Trowa's assumed birthday. I scan through the pictures until I find one of Heero blowing chunks all over the birthday cake just as Trowa went to blow out the candles. Disgusting, yes, but absolutely hilarious. Grinning wickedly, I replace his boring desktop with the new image.

Unfortunately for him, this is not enough. With painstaking effort, I switch all the names and icons on his programs. This all takes nearly an hour, as I have to keep track of what I switch with what. Now when he goes to open his email, he will get his beloved (and ultra geeky) video game, Space Pirate: The Armada Adventure, his networking program will reveal a picture of him being chased up a tree by Quat's good buddy Rashid, and the document-creation program will emit an immature but classic farting sound.

Speaking of emails… I wonder if dear Heero has received any emails lately from his little stalker, Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Known to the world as her former royal highness, Relena Darlian/Peacecraft/Crazywoman. This could also prove to be a fine source of embarrassment. I log onto the internet and hack into his email account with relative ease. God, he really needs a more complex password than 02isMINE. Someone could easily figure it out! Heh. You know… someone like me.

I scan the account. No new messages in the inbox. But there are at least ten in his bulk mail. Curiosity peaked (does Relena _really_ write him that much? Should I be worried now?), I open the folder. Oddly, the subject in each of them says things like 'New Friend Request' and 'Someone left you a comment!' and the like from … _Myspace?_ The social interaction website where _anyone_ can find out all sorts of shit about you?

Since when did Heero, Sir Obsessed with Secrecy, get a Myspace account?

Now I'm _really _curious. I've known him _how_ long and I didn't know this? I've _slept_ with him for how long? Immediately, I go to the website and log into his account—not at all hard since he used the same password. Heero, Heero, _Heero…_ I'm truly disappointed in you!

I choke on a snort of laughter when I see the image that loads on his profile. It's one of the popular 'angled' pictures. Something I _never_ thought Heero would do… I tilt my head as I stare a bit more. Ogle. Gawk. Half his face is hidden by shadow as he glares enticingly up at the camera. His shirt clings to him just _right_… Hot _damn!_ He takes a _really _good picture. I squirm in discomfort as my jeans begin to feel extremely tight… Dammit Heero, where are you when I _want _you?!

I force my gaze away to check out the rest of his account. His name reads HeroInBed and the headline next to his picture says 'I can be YOUR hero, baby.'

I choke back another laugh. What a play on words. Oh yes indeed he _can_ be my hero in bed! But _why _didn't I know he had this?

I scroll further down the page and take a moment to read a couple of bulletins on the left hand side. Nothing terribly interesting, though 'Haylie is H-O-T!' seems like a very naughty girl, if you ask me.

I scroll a little further down the page, bypassing ads for computer parts, free ring tones, and cds by such-and-such artists. Time to check out his friends. I wonder if he even _has _any. He's rather socially inept, if you get my-

I choke when I see the number. "Oh no _way_… You've _got_ to be shitting me…"

The neat print reads: You have 1,154 friends.

I lean back on the sofa, staring at the number in disbelief, and whistle. When I have a total of maybe forty friends (most of whom I don't talk to by the way), how does _he_ have over a thousand?

Oh yeah… there's that smokin' hot profile picture. Who _wouldn't_ want to be friends with that?

I scroll back up the page, drooling over Heero's picture while I debate what to check out next. His actual profile or his collection of pictures. Despite the fact that I really want to see more of those sexy pictures of his, the desire to see what his profile actually looks like wins me over. I click the view link and wait. Considering our house is souped up with a high-speed connection, it doesn't take long for the profile to load. Just like the picture, it's sleek, dark, and sexy. There is no 'this layout was designed by' tag, so I assume that Heero designed it himself.

"Baby, I never knew you had it in you…" I murmur under my breath, as a song begins to play. My shoulders move involuntarily to the beat. The opening sounds are familiar, the words even more so. Holy _shit…_

'I'm bringin' sexy back…' the singer moans.

I'm hit with even greater shock. Oh how those words fit Heero right about now… He certainly _does _bring sexy back. In full force. Jesus Christ I don't think my poor heart can take this anymore!

This is a side of Heero I've never seen before! Yet instead of stopping there, I continue on. Now more than ever I want to see just what sort of pictures he posts for the world to see. Scrolling back up the page, I click on the link that says 'view pics'. There are three albums. One _creatively _labeled 'Me' with a picture of Heero. Duh. It says it contains fifteen images. One labeled 'Springtime with Hitler' with what looks like a picture from one of Heero's birthday parties. Six images. And one labeled… "Virtual Sex?" I murmur. Thirty images. Naturally, I'm unable to resist this one. From the display picture, all I can see is hands on skin… Oh dear God, what _does_ Heero do behind closed doors?

When the images load, I get an idea of what Heero meant by Virtual Sex. I feel… well… I actually feel a little flattered. Some of the pictures are merely me, but most are the two of us together. Sometimes at a random nightclub I've dragged him too, others at our friends' various celebrations, and so on. Times when we'd probably had a drink or two at least and didn't care who took our pictures. The pictures are proof that he can get me to do pretty much anything. Smoldering looks. Lots of contact. Lots of skin. Nothing terribly obscene—I'm sure his account would be banned if he put what I suspect he _wants _to put up—but it's obvious by some of the images that _someone_ got laid later that night.

God, Heero! During the war, you'd _never_ have put this sort of stuff up for the world to see!

I hear the creak of a loose floorboard behind me and nearly jump a mile high. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Quatre padding up behind me. "Oh, it's just you!"

"What do you mean 'just me'?"

Trowa comes up behind him. They both look clean, but far rosier than any shower would permit so I imagine that they had what I call a 'fun shower'. Almost immediately, his arms latch around Blondie's waist.

"Nothing. You guys have fun?" I ask with a smirk.

Quatre grins, looking too content for his own good. "Mmm… yes."

Lucky dog…

He walks up behind me with Trowa in tow, glancing over my shoulder. "What are you doing? Isn't that Heero's computer?"

"Yeah. _And,_ apparently, his Myspace." I gesture to the pictures and then tip my head back to look at them. "Did either of you know he had this?"

Both shake their heads. "You take a nice picture though," Quatre teases, pointing to a picture where I'm leaning back against Heero with my hands reaching back around his neck. _His _hands are creeping up my shirt and I'm staring directly at the camera, giving it one of my classic devilish stares. Almost like 'don't you wish you could have some of this'. I can't help but blushing. I'm not really _that _bad, am I?

"Yeah well…"I mutter, clicking the 'back' button. "Check this out." Sexy Back starts blaring over the small speakers again.

Quatre leans over my shoulder and peers at Heero's profile. "Mm… Heero takes a nice picture too. Ouch!" He lurches forward suddenly and glances over his shoulder at Mr. Limber. "Hey!"

Trowa simply looks innocent.

I smirk and roll my eyes, looking back at the screen. Innocent my ass.

"What is that racket!?" another familiar voice demands.

"Hey there, Wufei," I comment when he storms into view, looking mad as a hornet. As usual.

"What is that trash your listening to?" he grumbles.

"Heero's Myspace."

He stares at me like I've grown a second head. "His… what?"

I turn the laptop around briefly so he can look at it. But not for long… That profile picture of Heero's is _mine!_ Wufei gives the laptop a disturbed look as I turn it back around.

"Are you sure that's not one of your pranks, Maxwell?" he asks stiffly.

"Of course not! I certainly wouldn't show this off to the world. I'd keep it for myself."

He looks a little green. He never _did _understand how Heero and I, polar opposites, ended up together without killing each other. I smile sweetly at him. That only serves to make him greener.

"Speaking of pranks," Trowa begins. Uh-oh. I can hear the wary tone in his voice. "Just what have _you_ been doing all day? Did Heero give you a to-do list?"

I give him my most affronted gasp. "You guys don't trust me?"

"That's not denial…" Quatre quietly points out.

"Maxwell, just what did you do?"

I shrug. "Screwed with Heero's computer." Minimizing his profile, I push the document button. It emits a loud fart. "See?" That should be enough to take them off my trail.

Quatre shakes his head. "Heero is going to kill you."

"What am I going to do?"

I yelp. Hastily, I maximize the profile. Don't want him to see my hard work just _yet._ "Heero! You're back!" Now you can fulfill all the sudden fantasies your newly discovered 'sex god' has inspired in me.

He enters the room and gives me a most suspicious glare. "All right, what have you been up to?"

"Me? More like what have _you_ been up to?" I counter wittily.

He frowns at our copilots and then leans on the couch behind me. "What do you mean what have I been up to? Isn't that _my _computer?"

I thrust my finger at his profile. "Yes and just what is _this?_"

There is silence.

"Heero?" I prompt. I feel like a mother who found boxes of porn under her son's bed. I try not to squirm. Calm down, buddy.

"Er…"

"Aren't you Mr. Secretive? Mr. I-cover-my-tracks-and-you-should-too-or-I'll-kill-you-before-the-enemy-gets-the-chance?"

He hums under his breath. "I didn't use my real name."

"You don't _have_ a real name," I point out.

He doesn't respond to that. How can he?

"And this!" I point to one of the pictures in his Virtual Sex photo album.

"I didn't use your real name either."

"I don't have a real name either. And _hello! _The _braid!_" I click on a picture where he has my braid wrapped around his hand. "You have pictures of us all over this place!"

He doesn't answer. But he doesn't look apologetic about it either. I don't really expect him to.

"Granted I do look kind of good," I muse, reading over the comments. "Oh look… this… 'Emma! Forever!' chick says I'm totally hot."

Heero mutters something that sort of sounds like 'well yeah, you are'. But I can't be sure. That's not like him either.

"God Heero…"

"Look, do you want me to apologize?" he mutters.

I smirk, clambering to my knees on the sofa and turning to face him. "No… I was just going to say how turned on all your… dirty little secrets have made me."

He looks a little stunned, but then he offers me a tiny, rare smile. "Oh?"

"Oh," I agree whole-heartedly. "Say… can you make _my_ profile this cool?" I tap his laptop.

"Dumbass."

Clicking my tongue, I give him a stern look. "I think your ancestors just rolled over in their graves. Watch your language, there are children about!" I gesture to Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. In unison, they roll their eyes. Kind of creepy, really.

"I'll say it again… dumbass," Heero murmurs as he takes my arm and kisses the inside of my wrist.

I can feel my entire body grow hot but I shiver a little. Okay… no more waiting. I clamber gracelessly off the couch and, grabbing Heero's arm, pull him down the hall. "Don't mind us," I call to our friends over my shoulder. "We'll be busy for a while."

As we disappear down the hall, I hear a meow. Uh oh…

"Walton?" Trowa sounds worried.

Who the hell names their female cat Walton anyway!?

I drag Heero into my room and close the door behind me. It won't be long before the other two figure out that Trowa and Heero couldn't have been the only ones I pranked. And I'd certainly like to get some of this –_ahem_—frustration taken care of before they tear me a new one.

Heero leans in and his lips barely brush against mine in a way that makes my toes curl and leaves me hungry for more. His fingers push beneath my t-shirt and I think he's wanted me almost as much as I've wanted him.

"_Duo!_" I hear Wufei scream in rage.

"Duo, you're _dead!_" Trowa bellows.

Heero, who was doing _such_ a nice job of driving me absolutely wild, suddenly stops.

"_Heero…_!" I whine. I don't care that I sound like a five year old. I was enjoying that!

Unfortunately he doesn't buy it. "What did you do?"

I sigh loudly. "Nothing permanent."

Again, he doesn't buy it. Grabbing my shoulder, he yanks open my door and shoves me out. Right into a very pissed off Wufei, Trowa (holding a very pissed off—and blue—Walton), and Quatre. Fuck! They are going to kill me! Turning hastily, I pound on the door that is so conveniently closed behind me. "Heero! Let me back in! It's my room!"

"You made your bed!" I hear him say. Is it just me, or does he sound amused? "Now it's time you slept in it!"

"Duo," Wufei begins in a very cool tone. "We'd like a word with you."

_End._


End file.
